Just. Not. Sure

Been waiting for my period to begin - which at the latest should have been yesterday. Of course the first thing we did was a pregnancy test (actually two just to really be sure). Both were negative, so ok - what the heck is going on with my body. I have NEVER missed my period unless i was pregnant. Even during our last surrogate cycle for the original couple.

I wrote it in a previous blog when i wrote about the fluid in my uterus and i still stick to it. When i had that HSG done - something didnt go right. The pain was terrible and the cramping/discharge/spotting (a tad gross but ur only reading this if i truly know you, so suck it up) that came for weeks after it just didn't seem right. Other than that there has been nothing different between this cycle and the cycle I did the first time.
Last night I emailed my nurse who emailed the DR today who wants me to come in Monday morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm sure the bloodwork is just to be sure the pregnancy test isn't lying to me. However - these constant trips to the clinic are wearing me out. I've had a little break from them but I'm sure they are about to start up again. With these trips - i normally have to take an hour of my vacation time so that I am not late for work. Meaning i'm running out of hours that I can use for my own personal needs. None of this stuff mattered to me in the beginning. It just feels like everything is draaaggging right now though. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel like i used to. I'm not as excited as I used to be. Just get me over this hump PLEASE!

On top of all of this -
The mom from my first time around trying to be a surrogate called me out of the blue on Wednesday. A quick history on them because im not sure i talked much about them before. Mom's body won't get pregnant and i'm not quite sure if i even remember why she can't use her own eggs. They had been trying to have a baby for 11 years! Any procedure that could be done, was tried. They then turned to surrogacy. Then found yours truly! Their plan was to get an egg donor and use dads sperm. We didnt really talk to them much up front - we were just going with the flow of all the testing, injections, pills etc.. At some point during meds, i got a call to stop the process. Huh? Was it me? What happened? Nobody was telling me why or what. Finally one day mom called me and asked me to come meet her at her house. Very nervous and a little scared, I went. From the moment her and i met - we had a bond. I loved her and her husband. I couldnt wait for them to meet Tim and the kids, i had so many visuals. Including the best one - me handing them their new precious baby. We talked and they even fed me. They fed me Goat! She made me try it. It wasnt that bad but the sauce she had on it was so spicy i just couldn't take more than 3 bites. I was waiting and waiting for her to open up to me about what was going on. Are we or aren't we doing this. We aren't, was the outcome. There was some mixup betweem them and the fertility clinic that made dad so exhausted since he was the main one doing the testing, appts, etc. He just completely shut the process down. I can imagine as a woman wanting a child so bad that this just was not going to be acceptable. But i hardly knew them to judge or try to counsel her on what I think. So i shook my head ok and we watched American Idol. HA!
After that mom and i met up a few times for lunch. The last time at lunch was emotional. She really let out about how upset she was with dad and how bad, oh so bad that she wants to be a mom. That she was going to do anything. At this point we had already started working on some testing for the new family. I really didnt bring it up much to her because i didnt want to be put in that position at that moment. At the time of this luncheon though it had been months since her and I had talked. I suggested why not use and egg and a sperm donor. She said because you are not able to do that - at least thats what the clinic originally told her. That it had to be a biological part of someone who would be in the childs life i guess is a good way to put it. So this was all probably in november of last year. I had not spoken to her since until she sent me this text the other day. She told me that the clinic is willing to allow her to use the egg donor AND a sperm donor. She wants to move forward...with me. Soo bad i want to be her surrogate. So really bad. But now I have been going through this whole process with the new family. Contracts haven't been signed but the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. My heart is being pulled in two different directions. With original mom though..who knows what will really come out of it. For now I do believe i will continue with my current IF and if original mom is interested still after (hopefully) i have their little miracle - maybe we could do it again? Who knows. Time will tell.